What I Wish More Than Anything

( Yes, I'm aware of the gaping hole in my daughter's nylons.  We'll call it her "rocker chic" church look and not dwell on it too long.) 

Last Friday night was much like any other around our home.  It was time for our typical date night in, meaning we put the littles to bed and then gorge on junk food and watch a Redbox.  Glamorous, no?  This particular night I think my Michael had some guilt over how much NBA basketball finals I’ve been subjected to lately, which is why he chose ­Into The Woods, which he knew I was interested in watching.  I mean, I love LeBron James as much as the next person, but seeing his mug on my television night after night does get a bit repetitive.  Sometimes a girl just needs some singing Johnny Depp in her life.  I’ve seen Into the Woods as a play before when I was younger and I vaguely remembered some of the darker themes, but upon watching it this time I had a few realizations.  I didn’t particularly love the movie, but I do think it’s a metaphorical gold mine for my mind. 

If you’ve never seen it, Into the Woods is a tale where classic favorites like Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk, Rapunzel, and Cinderella are all smooshed into one tale that takes a dark turn.  The woods become a dangerous place where happy endings aren’t always as they appear. The characters become disenchanted with everything they worked so hard to achieve and must deal with the difficult consequences of their choices.  They got everything they wished for, but still weren't satisfied with the results.  The woods became a deceitful place in which the characters can lose themselves if they're not careful.

I think these same stories take place every single day.  I clearly love the internet community muchx like many of my peers, but I do believe that it can quickly become a dark woods where we can become disenchanted with the reality of our own happy endings. I’m at a wonderful place in my life right now.  I have everything that I wished for, but why do I let my mind become enticed with the sparkle dust of someone else’s happily ever after.  That single girl exploring the world sure looks like she’s having fun, their marriage seems so exciting, that house is amazing, his job looks like a dream come true…..My sparkle dust is just a shiny as anyone else’s though.  I think it's critical to make your favorite fairytale be your own, no matter what place in life you are at. Although social media is a great place to interact with many different characters you admire, it is just a moment in the woods.  My character sometimes faces dragons (screaming toddler), giants (financial concerns), or being locked in a tower (twelve hour night shifts), but these things mold my character and help me appreciate the moments when I am riding off into the sunset.

So what I wish more than anything is a greater appreciation for the now.  The sometimes mundane, yet magical parts of life that make it beautiful and unique. Keeping my mind out of the woods and focused on my own daily triumphs is what's going to make my ending the happiest ever after it can be.    

My First Code

“Code Blue, room 3012. Code Blue, room 3012.” After only eight days of rotating as a medical student in the hospital, I had already developed a keen ear for that ominous call over the loudspeaker. I was with Dr. T as we had just entered another patient’s room when she calmly announced, “That’s our patient.”

I hesitated for just one moment to see if she would direct me to stay on the second floor, away from the chaos. When I saw her walking upstairs purposefully but composed, I realized that I was about to experience my first code.

The patient was a 63-year-old homeless man. Earlier in the day, we had been requested by a nurse to return to his room. A friend had brought him in, but no one knew of any family and the friend had not returned to visit.

 As we entered the room I saw a disheveled man with a long gray beard, his mouth wide open revealing a white coating in the back of his throat. He was gasping for air as tubes and wires danced all over his body. His eyes were opened unusually wide and, although he could not communicate in any way, he fixed his gaze on the person who spoke.

Dr. T discussed the case with an ICU doctor in the room while I quickly tried to remember the specific treatments for fungal pneumonia and which part of the brain stem houses the respiratory center. I couldn’t concentrate though; I kept on looking at the patient. As I watched his nurse kindly try to comfort him, I had a strong impression that I was witnessing a man in his final moments of life. All of the physiology and microbiology suddenly seemed less important as I realized this man was probably going to die soon.

The other doctors and nurses seemed concerned, but didn’t know what to do. Without knowing his wishes or those of family, it was impossible to know how aggressive they should be in treatment. Consequently, the medical decisions continued as normal. More imaging was ordered and a bed was to be prepared in the intensive care unit.

Now, as I approached room 3012 for the code blue, I discovered a completely different scene. I grabbed a precautionary surgical mask specially designed to protect from tuberculosis and entered a small hospital room filled with doctors and nurses. I tried to settle into a corner so that I could watch without getting in the way.

The patient was now lying flat on the bed with his body completely exposed and naked as a strong nurse’s aid pushed forcefully on his chest. His eyes, that had been so open and scared earlier in the day, were now rolled back and not moving.

I tried to count all of the people in the room, but couldn’t keep it straight in the chaos. I thought about 20. After what seemed to be hours of compressions and IV pushes of medications, I found myself somehow to have been pushed to the bedside. Someone asked if I would step in. Without thinking about it I was suddenly standing over a man who was dying, shoving my palm into his chest, while everyone in the room alternated their gaze between the patient and the monitor.

After a dozen different chest compressions I finally realized what I was doing, but it didn’t scare me. I don’t know why it didn’t. Maybe it was because pushing on his chest felt surprisingly similar to the dummies I had practiced on in a quiet, air-conditioned room at my school. Maybe it was because I sensed that it was probably too late for him. Maybe it was because, in my heart, I wanted him to die.

I knew his quality of life would be even worse if he survived. Furthermore, my strong conviction of a loving God and the eternal nature of man steered me closer to hope than fear. So in my heart and mind, I wanted him to die. Nevertheless, the lack of emotion kind of bothered me. Was I a cold hearted and jaded physician already?

After a few minutes someone relieved me and I stood back and observed the other people in the room. I could sense something as I looked at their faces; they wanted him to die too. Despite all of this, the compressions, the meds, and the shocks and any other means to keep him alive kept coming. He had some electrical activity at times, but no pulse and no movements. After rounds of repeated attempts Dr. T finally told another doctor she was going to call it. After nearly 30 minutes, she calmly said, “Okay. Let’s call it. Time, 15:22.”

Then, almost as quickly as people had arrived on scene, the room emptied out. I was left standing with Dr. T and the two nurses who had cared for him. One nurse closed the patient’s eyes. I washed my hands and stood quietly. Suddenly the other nurse began to cry. It surprised me. She was the tougher looking nurse. She was young, had multicolored hair, a nose ring, and looked more like a bartender than a nurse.

Dr. T gave her a hug and began to explain how his condition was only getting worse and it was okay for him to go. Then the nurse said something I will never forget. “I know,” she said through tears, “we just really liked him.”

The newly deceased man had never spoken to anyone in the hospital and no one knew anything about him besides the labs that showed up in the computer. Yet, this nurse said she really like him.

I don’t know if it was harder or easier to see my first death knowing that there was no family to whom we would have to break the bad news. But I did take comfort in that nurse’s words. I liked him too.

-Kyle Von

 A "surgical selfie" in December 2014, with a different patient who also a grim prognosis. It should be noted that I'm locked in a bathroom, ashamed that I was actually taking a selfie. My wife requested it.

Part 2 of the Great States Battle

The great Washington vs. Idaho vs. Utah debate continues this week...

 

Activities:

NC: Utah is a wonderland of outdoor recreation. Those mountains are good for a whole lot more than helping me figure out which direction is East, kids. Or if the outdoors aren’t your cup of tea, how about kicking it with Brad Pitt and Nicole Kidman at the Sundance Film Festival.  Personally, I’m a fan of cheering on my Utah Jazz or listening live to the world renowned Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  Growing up we always used to make special trips to Utah for some real shopping and dining. Utah is even the birthplace of Cafe Rio.  Do I even need to go on?    

 

 

JM:  Brangelina, ha!  I don’t see them getting invited to meet up with billionaire investor Warren Buffet and all of his other influential friends in Sun Valley.

KM: Did someone say billionaire? Yeah Mr. Gates lives up the road a little. And Nat, how is that seafood coming out of your big lake down there? Seattle has world-class food.

NC: Along with a lot of third-world food.

KM: There is a reason that the population of Washington is greater than Utah and Idaho combined...people want to live here! Washington is great from the majesty of Mount Rainier to the quirkiness of Pike’s Market to the water activities afforded by the confluence of the Snake, Columbia and Yakima Rivers. We also boast a Super Bowl champion team and I get to see Mike Trout (the Tom Brady of baseball) each year when he visits the Mariners.

 

JM:  China’s population is 1.3 billion people.  The population of the U.S. is 0.3 billion.  That’s 1 billion (say that in your best Dr. Evil voice) more.  Full disclosure, I have never been to China, but my gut feeling is that it is not 1 billion times more fun than the United States.  Idaho is less populated, that just means more space to roam.  World famous fishing and hunting, ski resorts, Craters of the Moon, Boise State football, a nationally ranked 4th of July firework show, and “people watching” at fairs are some of our favorite things.

 

Culture:

JM:  If you’re looking for diversity, well Idaho is probably not the place for you.  I will say that most of our population is hard working, honest, and kind.  My wife spent most of her childhood years in Ohio.  She has frequently told me how much she enjoys being able to strike up a conversation with a random stranger in the grocery store (apparently this would be looked down upon in some places).

KM: For better or worse, Washington is definitely the most diverse of these western gems. The left (West) side of the state is liberal and the right (East) side of the state is conservative. We also boast a large migrant population that brings fun customs and food. The LDS population is also large enough where I don’t feel like an alien, but some of the negatives of “Mormon culture” are curbed. In general Washingtonians are educated, accepting, and active.

NC: Of course there are a lot of white Mormons in Utah, but it really isn’t a bad thing.  Pot-luck party central baby! I love the friendliness and strong sense of community felt here. If you want culture, spend a Saturday at the Walmart in Ogden.  Or just go to Salt Lake City. 

Driving

KM: Did you guys just include this category to make me feel good about Washington? I mean the only negative of driving here is that when you go to Seattle you have to look at Obama/Biden bumper stickers. (You thought I was going to say something about traffic, huh?)

JM: Let’s be honest if you took away the 1J drivers we would be sitting pretty.  For all of those non-Idahoans let me explain something great about our state.  We put the county that a person resides in on their license plate i.e. 1J stands for Jefferson County, 8B Bonneville, 1A Ada.  If an idiot cuts you off, you can see where he is from.  If you see they are from 1J, you are going to let it go because you know that is not their fault.  It would be like getting mad at a foreigner for not understanding English.

KM: I do miss knowing which county someone is from. Even 8B drivers pale in comparison to the compassionate and law-abiding drivers of Washington. I mean, you have to be more cautious when you share the road with so many bicyclists.

NC: The truth is that it’s a dog eat dog world out there and our roadways are here to prepare you for this inevitable life fact.  Do you have to drive fast to avoid being tailgated? Yes. And do you have to exert a little fortitude when navigating rush hour? Yes.  But this is the kind of stuff that will grow chest hair on you.   Ok I’m definitely losing this one, but at least our public transportation system rocks.  There’s even free Wi-Fi!

JM:  There is only one thing worse than seeing a 1J driver in front of you, and that is someone with a Utah license.

NC: Newsflash Idaho, I’ve never been late to work because I was stuck behind a tractor.

Politics:

JM:  Senator Larry Craig tapping his foot in a men’s bathroom in an airport in Minnesota to solicit sexual favors, Senator Mike Crapo DUI, and Governor Butch Otter allowing Harley Brown and Walt Hayes to join in a debate that is so ridiculous it honestly had me thinking it was a SNL clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EocFjwaJNw0  I guess that’s what happens when you live in a state where one political party has complete control.  In true political fashion I will just have to fling mud at the other states.

KM: Well if Idaho is creepy and lopsided, Washington can boast it is revolutionary. It has been the leader in legalizing things like physician-assisted suicide, marijuana, same-sex marriage, some weird gun laws, and a high minimum wage. Wow, this isn’t going well for me. Utah, you would have to really screw this one up.

NC: Well that was easy, I win!!  Can you ever really win in the subject of politics though?  Truth is, I'm no expert in this matter.  We did have a state senator in our old church ward though, and he seemed like a nice enough guy.

JM: When I start feeling down about the complete incompetence and/or corruption in Idaho I just have to read about Seattle electing a Communist to their city council.

We all agree that we are blessed to live in a great part of the word. As you can see, all of our states have some strengths and weaknesses. Let us know who you side with for the categories by using the comment box below.

Bigfoot, Big Business, and Big Wind. Oh my!

Our family, in Idaho Falls, Summer 2008

The three of us grew up in Idaho Falls, Idaho. Jared still resides there after temporary stops in Venezuela, Las Vegas, Pocatello and Boise. Kyle lived in Portugal and Rexburg before moving to Washington. He spent two years in Yakima, WA before his current home in the Tri-Cities, WA. Natalie lived in Ogden, UT for college and has since settled in nearby Clearfield, UT.

Consequently, when we speak of our respective states, we are speaking primarily of southeastern Idaho, eastern Washington, and the Wasatch Front of Utah. Our experiences may not be shared by everyone who lives in our respective areas, but we wanted to compare the strengths and weaknesses of Idaho, Washington, and Utah.

Jared (JM)---Idaho

Kyle (KM)----Washington

Natalie (NC)----Utah

In this two-part series, we present some categories today, with more following the release of the second part of the post in two weeks.

Part I

Climate:

JM:  It is important to understand your strengths and weaknesses, and Idaho’s not going to win when it comes to climate/scenery when matched against Washington and Utah.  In Eastern Idaho we enjoy fall, winter (4-8 months depending on the year), windy season, and summer.

KM: Yeah, you can sit down for this one Idaho.

This scene could occur almost any month in Idaho.

JM:  I guess if it keeps Californians out of our state, it is a sacrifice I am willing to make.

NC/KM: Amen!

KM:The weather has been my favorite part of living in Yakima/Richland. We get all four seasons but you don’t have to worry about slick roads in town. If you are into that snow stuff there are nearby places, but I prefer being able to go on a run outside almost any day of the year.

NC: Ever heard of the “greatest snow on earth?” Utah boasts its famous winters, while also perfectly balancing the other three seasons.  It’s like the holy grail of climate balance.  As an added bonus, I lived here a solid week before realizing that not a single one of my hairdos had been destroyed by wind.  

JM;  Since I conceded this category, I feel like an objective judge between the two states.  Sorry Kyle, it’s Utah by a mile.  When a large portion of your state’s population (King County) becomes clinically depressed due to a lack of sunshine you are not going to win best climate award.

Economy:

KM: Have you ever heard a kid who never even played high school football criticize Tom Brady? Well, I would be that kid if I were to say too much here. I mean, I don’t technically have a job. I live in a state where an advantage is no state income tax, but I have no income and don’t own a home.

JM:  Amazing how you can fit a Tom Brady reference into almost every blog post.  

NC: . Recession? Economic downturn? Forget about it! While the rest of the country was in the depths of financial toil, Utah still managed to bring in high-paying jobs and attract high-tech corporations to the area.  Utah was even ranked number one in Forbes’ 2014 list of “Best States For Business.” Newsweek may call it “the new economic Zion,” but I prefer to call it home.  

JM:  I guess it’s all a matter of perspective when it comes to money.  Here in Idaho Falls we have a lot of PhD’s and pick up trucks.  The Idaho National Laboratory, agriculture, and Melaleuca are the big employers around my neck of the woods.  Even Nat has to be a little envious of Idaho’s low cost of living, particularly when it comes to housing.

NC: Touche.

Weirdest Law:

JM:  In Pocatello a person may not be seen in public without a smile.  But my favorite comes from Coeur d’Alene:  “If a police officer approaches a car and suspects the occupants are engaged in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for 3 minutes before approaching the car.”

KM: In Washington, “The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc7U_Z83xbw

NC: Dag nab it! It’s illegal for women to swear in Logan.  Oh, and don’t even think about trying to modify the weather unless you’ve got a permit. (I’m talking to you, former college roommates who loved to agitate me with their incessant snow dances.)

State Bird:

JM: Technically our state bird is the Mountain Bluebird. 

The Mountain Bluebird

But we share that with Nevada, so we decided to have an official raptor which is the Peregrine Falcon.  A few fun facts: reaches sexual maturation by 1 year and mates for its entire life (typically 15 years), considered the fastest animal on the planet due to top speeds of 200 mph (322 km/h for our Canadian readers), and the word peregrine means “wanderer”.

NC: A state filled with wandering promiscuous poultry? I don’t like it.

KM: The Willow Goldfinch (American Goldfinch). Apparently we share this bird with Iowa and New Jersey. Is it ever healthy to have something in common with New Jersey?

The Willow Goldfinch

NC: Nope. Nope. Never. The California Gull is our bird of choice.

The California Gull

KM: Seriously Nat, not only is your bird a pest, it bears the name of another state!

NC: Yeah, they were really living up to that pesky reputation when these miraculous birdies assisted the early Mormon settlers during a major cricket plague. They managed to gobble up all those threatening insects to save the crops and consequently the lives of all those people.  

Part II coming on April 19, 2015

Peaches and Profits

  I would love to know how much skepticism and cynicism has grown since the advent of the internet.  I know that there is no way to objectively measure attitudes, but overall there has to be a greater level of mistrust.  A small dose of skepticism is healthy.  Just like pain can alert our brain to take the hand off the stove to avoid serious injury; skepticism can help us avoid scams, uncover lies, and detect frauds.  Just as acute pain can turn into chronic unrelenting pain, a small dose of skepticism can lead to crippling cynicism of any and all “authority”. Ironically, whatever the political, philosophical, or religious bend, we all our prone to cynicism.  Just a couple of examples to illustrate the point. 

     The person that believes that the government is out to get him, that anything and everything dealing with the government is evil, and that we would all be much better off without “the gov’ment” (insert your best redneck imitation).  Or the person that discredits any and all religion because they believe the Pastor/Bishop/Cardinal/Preacher is trying to manipulate them into a life of drudgery.  But the one that I deal with at the professional level, is the person that believes that big Pharma and the healthcare community are knowingly exposing people to harm in the name of profit.

     In the 50’s most of the pharmaceutical companies were lead by scientists who desired to eradicate disease through revolutionary innovations like antibiotics and vaccines.  Over the years a paradigm shift occurred where these companies went from being run by men/women of science to CEOs and businessmen from other industries.  They understood the importance of marketing and of creating medications that needed to be used throughout a persons life.  “Big Pharma” became so effective at marketing their “product” to doctors and other health care professionals in the 90’s and early 2000’s that legislative active was taken to try and curb the influence that drug companies and their representatives had achieved.  It was found that even the seemingly harmless gift of a pen emblazoned with a drug name could alter the prescribing practices of a physician favorably towards the marketed medication. 

     I provide this brief, yet incomplete, history of the pharmaceutical industry to demonstrate that I am not naive to the fact that the pharmaceutical companies primary incentive is profit.  BUT I also must emphasize the fact that for all of the pharmaceutical companies shortcomings, immunizations have saved hundreds of thousands of lives since they have become readily available.  (Side note: Vaccines really aren’t that new, they have been around for a couple hundred years.  In fact our nation’s first president, George Washington dealt with skeptics in his day, fortunately for us he ignored them, and his men upon enlistment were inoculated with small pox.  Talk about being revolutionary.)

     There is no secret deal between the healthcare community and the pharmaceutical companies to dupe the general public.  This is a ridiculous argument.  My daughter Hallie is current with all of her vaccines, do you think I would knowingly put her at risk in the name of profit for the pharmaceutical company?  Not a chance in Hell!  Are there possible serious side effects from the vaccine?  Yes, but they are extremely rare.  Every day we make decisions that could ultimately shorten our lives: driving the car, eating high fat/carb foods, playing a sport, etc.  In the case of vaccines let’s use the information provided by scientific studies and not some anecdotal case from a family member or celebrity (and in case she somehow stumbles across this post, yes I’m talking about you Jenny McCarthy).

     Many of those that choose to not vaccinate have read articles or testimonials online of the dangers of vaccines, and have fallen for what is formally known as post hoc ergo proper hoc or post hoc fallacy.  Most logical sports fans or athletes have fallen victim to post hoc fallacy.  As a 12 year old boy my life consisted of baseball, and well more baseball.  Before a game late in the season my mom cut up some peaches and put it in a bowl with milk and sugar.  I hit two home-runs that afternoon.  Guess what I ate before every game the rest of that season?  Peaches and milk with sugar sprinkled on top.  Of course the peaches didn’t give me the anabolic super strength of Mark McGwire, but there was no way you could have convinced my 12-year-old self any differently.  Post hoc fallacy means that correlation does not equal causation.  It is one thing to understand this concept and identify it in others, it is another thing entirely to identify it in our lives.  It doesn’t matter that the doctor that showed a link between vaccines and autism has lost his license for falsifying data.

     We truly live in an Information Age, where ideas, theories, and stories are shared instantaneously.  Take a minute and consider the facts.  Ask yourself this question, “Would my doctor, who has taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm, advocate immunizing without evidence that the benefits far outweigh the risks?  There is no conspiracy theory.  Don’t make the same mistake my 12 year old self made and confuse causation and correlation.  I have to go now, LeBron is playing and he always plays better when I stand up for the 4th quarter.  

No Pain, No Gain

Two weeks ago as I was in the throes of labor pain and reading the post my brothers dedicated to me about man pain, I was reminded of a former gymnastics coach who used to encourage me with the phrase "no pain, no gain."  Ah the wisdom I have repeatedly found in this phrase over the years.  Progression is sometimes uncomfortable.  Bringing a second beautiful daughter into this world has come with plenty of growing pains, but so much has been gained in return. Allow me to recap a few thoughts and feelings about the experience of expanding our family.

I took this little gem just two day before my little Grace was born.  It was my last shift at work, and I was feeling frustrated at my lack of ability to be able to pull my weight around the ER.  Part of me was really hoping that my water would just break already so I could get out of there.  "Sorry Doc, no can-do on that EKG, I've gotta go give birth."

She stayed put though for all twelve of those hours, and most of the weekend. By Sunday afternoon, I had some steady contractions starting to brew. Laboring women are weird. I was happily anticipating the mind-numbing excruciating pain. Every time a contraction would lessen in intensity, I found myself disappointed.  I was ready for the pain.  Bring it on.

And it was brought that evening as my sweet in-laws were being set apart to leave on their mission to Central America.  The room was packed with family and I sat on the couch nudging my sister-in-law to start the timer every time I felt a contraction beginning.  As soon as the "Amens" were said, my Michael gave me a blessing and we took a little drive to the hospital.

Labor was a little slow to progress until a Dr. broke my water and then whoa Nelly, it took off.  I had just enough time to get an epidural and crunch down a few ice chips before it was time to call the Doctor.  After a mere seven minutes of pushing, Grace Maria Crandall arrived at 11:43 PM on Sunday, February 22nd.  By the skin of her nonexistent teeth she managed to meet her Jasmer grandparents before they had to leave to prepare themselves for 18 months of church service.  My parents were also able to make the drive from Idaho Falls in time, despite a major road detour.

Her bright blonde head and super sonic high pitched screams have been welcomed wholeheartedly in our home.  Victoria has always been completely indifferent toward any kind of baby, but she already has developed a deep bond with her baby sister.  Good thing too, because with the two only being 17 months apart they are going to have a lot of close sister time.

I was lucky enough to have my Mom stay with us for a week to help me in the transition.  Oh that woman is an angel.  I was terrified to begin my time as a mother of two without her.  We're all surviving the transition through one dirty diaper at a time.  Making quick on the spot decisions has always stressed me out.  I am definitely not the one in my marriage to decide where we're going out to eat that night.  I think making the quick decisions has been one of the harder things about this experience.  I need to pee, Victoria needs her diaper changed, and Grace needs to eat: GO! However, I am getting better and feeling more confident with my ability to maintain the balance.

I was told countless times that having two children under two would mean having my hands full.  I never realized what a literal expression this is.  I absolutely love having my arms constantly full of my children.  My love has multiplied and I feel empowered with the responsibility of nurturing these little ladies. These last two weeks have contained moments of physical and emotional pain, but the gains are immeasurable.

-Natalie Dawn